Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Things not to say

Lindsey is a loyal Fatherhood reader. She's also pregnant.

A few weeks ago, Lindsey emailed me to tell me the story of her decision to wear a dress to work. After explaining to me that it took a lot to work up the nerve to wear the dress, a comment from a coworker had her quickly rethinking her decision.

"Oh my gosh! Are your legs always that big or are you swollen?"

OK, once you've finished your gasp, let's move on.

When I told my wife this she was hardly surprised.

"People say offensive things to me all the time," Kayla said. "They don't mean to. They just don't realize its offensive."

So with a nod to Kayla as well as poor Lindsey, I thought it might be a good idea to come up with a list of things to never, ever say to a pregnant woman.
"You can't even tell you're pregnant."

Maybe at one to three months this is acceptable but once you reach the third trimester all this means is "Wow, you're so fat normally I didn't even know you had an infant growing in there."

"Are you sure you're not having twins?"

By this point, pregnant women have been to a doctor numerous times. Odds are, someone would have noticed. Again, this just says "Hey, fat."

"Was it planned?"

No, the condom broke. This was a complete accident. C'mon people, even if it wasn't planned do you really think you're gonna get that kind of information?

"Should you really be eating that?"

Unless you want that hand bitten off, I would never suggest trying to take food out of a pregnant woman's hands/mouth. If the girl is hungry let her eat. She's "eating for two" as they say. Count your own calories, momma's hungry.

"Those stretch marks/excess hair will go away when the baby is born, right?"

If by some chance these words come out of your mouth, run, don't walk, to the nearest exit and pray to God she doesn't find you. And since preggos seem to have a keen sense of smell, odds are you're done for.

"I never had any morning sickness."

Do you really think saying "Nanny-nanny-boo-boo" to a pregnant woman is really in your best interest? I've learned that to every preggo, hers is the worst pregnancy in the history of pregnancies. So telling her how much better yours was than hers is not recommended.

"Got milk?"

Really? A lactation comment? We're really going there?

Any labor horror stories.

I think that most pregnant women are like my wife: hormonal and borderline crazy. When you add those wacked out baby deliver shows on TLC to the equation you have a hypochondriatic mess. The last thing a woman needs is you telling her how some doctor missed with the epidoral needle or how a nurse dropped some baby and broke its collarbone.

And finally, under no circumstances should you ever utter the words "Oh look, you're waddling."

Two ice packs later, I learned my lesson on that one.


Jim said...

Your life is about to change forever! God Bless. We are all for you and thinking about you.

Love & Peace

Rachel Bardwell said...

Hi - you don't know me but I clicked over from Emily's blog. After having 2 kids in the last 2 years, I've decided the ONLY acceptable comment to make to a pregnant woman is, "YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL!"

Good luck!

The Foster Family said...

Rachel, I agree with you completely!